All Tangled Up?

A guest post from Dr. Karen Finn:

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Have you ever felt all tangled up on the inside and didn’t know which direction to turn?

Or maybe you’ve felt that you’re stuck in quicksand and it’s taking all your effort to just make it through each day?

Or worse, you’ve felt that you’re wearing a choke-chain of all your responsibilities and don’t really know who you are anymore?

Don’t worry.  I’ve been there.  In fact, everyone I know who has been through divorce has been there before too.  Overwhelm can be hard to overcome and yet it’s a common part of divorce.  Knowing how to get through it or stop it all together is a critical skill to develop.  What I’m going to share with you today are some of the techniques I regularly use with myself, my family and my clients when things start to feel overwhelming.

1.       Change your story.

When I was finding my way through the aftermath of my divorce, I used to tell myself really scary stories.  They were stories of doom and I told them over and over again – like a broken recording.  I was feeling overwhelmed and the stories I told myself made things worse.  I didn’t see any way that I could ever stop the chaos I was living in.  I felt like I was performing and not really living.  I was really miserable!

But, things slowly changed when I started changing my internal story.  Instead of envisioning a life of doom and destruction, my stories became more about experiencing sadness and then more about being tired of the sadness and imagining what changes I could make.  And then, I started actually making changes – some really big changes.  I started living again instead of feeling like a prisoner of circumstances.

It can be the same for you.  Simply by changing the story you’re telling yourself, you can dramatically (even if it takes time like it did for me) change your life for the better and stop feeling overwhelmed.

2.       Take care of you first.

For those of us who have a tendency to get burned out, when we feel stressed about out divorce it can be especially easy to forget about taking care of ourselves and just focus on what needs to be done for others instead.  After all, they’re depending on us, right?

It’s easy for me to identify a new client who isn’t taking care of themselves because they have a difficult time answering questions like

  • Are you getting enough sleep?
  • Are you exercising?
  • Are you eating nutritious meals?

in the affirmative.  They’ll squirm a bit before answering or try to deflect the question with a joke or some explanation as to why they can’t sleep or exercise or eat well.

If you can’t honestly say you’re getting enough sleep, adequate exercise and eating well, you would probably benefit from taking better care of yourself.  Taking care of yourself isn’t an afterthought – something you do after you take care of the rest of your responsibilities.  Taking care of yourself is VITAL to you being able to take care of your responsibilities.  Without your physical well-being, you won’t be able to take care of anyone or anything else, so, please, make sure you’re putting you first and treating yourself well.

3.       See the lighter side and laugh.

Somehow, when things are really miserable and you’re just not sure how you’re going to deal with one more pressure, there comes a moment when you realize just how ridiculous everything is – all the pressure and stress suddenly become laughable.  I’ve found the best thing to do when I reach that point is to laugh.  I’m not talking about a simple tee-hee-hee or chuckle, I’m talking about a really deep from the gut laugh.

Laughter is a great cure for stress and overwhelm.  It causes you to loosen some muscles and tighten others.  It requires you to breathe differently and it gets some different hormones flowing through your body – the kinds that help you to feel better.

In working with my clients, I often incorporate really bad jokes to get some laughter going.  Laughing always lightens the mood and allows my clients to see things from a slightly different angle and break the strangle hold overwhelm had on them.

With overwhelm and stress being such common elements of our daily lives – not to mention divorce, these 3 simple ideas can be a great springboard for you to prevent yourself from succumbing to burn out.

Your Functional Divorce Coaching Assignment:

The next time you’re feeling stressed out, pick one of the 3 suggestions above and try it out.  After all what have you got to lose besides your stress?  I know that if you consistently take the necessary steps to help you deal with the stress of your divorce, you’ll be better able to manage it.

Guest post from one of our favorite divorce coaches- Karen Finn, Ph.D.

About Karen

Karen Finn, Ph.D. is a divorce coach and the owner of The Functional Divorce (www.functionaldivorce.com) in Keller, Texas. She specializes in working with divorcing or recently divorced individuals who want to successfully navigate the confusion and uncertainty that usually comes with divorce. Karen helps her clients manage and work through the five facets of divorce to reduce their stress, find happiness again and rediscover the best of themselves.