Cutting the Cords After Divorce

An attorney may be able to cut all legal ties to your spouse, but no one can cut the emotional ties for you. Getting over your ex husband or wife can be an enormous challenge. Your ex may already have moved on completely, but that doesn’t mean you have.

Author and relationship coach Virginia Clark recently shared her thoughts on moving past a relationship on Your Tango. She says that if you have obsessive thoughts about getting back together with him/her, you’ve created cords in your mind that are holding you to that person. You may have cut all physical ties to your ex, but the strongest type of ties are the emotional ones… and they are much harder to control.

In order to move on, you have to change the kind of attachment you have to your ex. Imagine that you’re tied to your ex with actual colored cords. Close your eyes and imagine your ex sitting next to you. Start to identify the cords that tie him/her to you. Give each cord a color- write it down. Examples: love, resentment, shared history, understanding, etc.

Go back through each cord. Decide whether to cut it or leave it attached. Consider the cords you cut as gone and no longer active in your mind. The cords you’ve chosen to keep now attach you to him in a new way…in a way that’s to your choosing.

This process will remind you that, no matter how you feel in that moment, there were good times in your relationship. Those are the cords that you don’t need to cut– they are healthy. You’ll feel the good connections and not the ones that fill you with negativity. This exercise may seem strange, but it’s a good way to use visualization to cut the negative ties to your ex, such as anger, guilt or jealousy.