SEPARATED PARENTS IN DISPUTE:
DON’T DRAG IN YOUR SERVICE PROVIDERS!
by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Separated parents in high conflict
have a way of dragging others
into their child custody and/or
access dispute. Not just family
friends, and neighbours, but
every professional associated
with the children. The parents
seek to bolster their claims
to support their custody and
access position and believe letters
of support from their professional
service providers will do the
trick.
They ask doctors and dentists
for letters stating which parent
more often brought the children
to appointments. They ask daycare
providers and teachers how the
child behaves depending on which
parent drops off the child. In
the process, the parent also
informs the professional of his
or her version of events, thus
going beyond asking for a letter
of support, by actively recruiting
the professional to his or her
side of the dispute.
If a professional service provider
offers a letter of support, the
precedent is set for that professional
service provider to then become
a target from the other parent.
The other parent is seeking to
discredit the letter provider.
In reality, the nature of the
dispute requires the other parent
to discredit the letter provider.
The aim is to restore balance
and hopefully tip the scale in
favour of his or her own claim
in the custody/access dispute.
As the dispute intensifies and
the competence or bias of the
professional service provider(s)
becomes the battleground, the
services provided to the children
may become tainted. The physician
and/or dentist may seek to remove
him or herself from providing
the child’s care to escape
parental harassment. The daycare
or school setting, once perceived
as a place of neutrality and
safety for the child, is a source
of anxiety as the child fears
parental intrusion and has to
cope with the service providers’ consternation
with the parents. Collateral
damage then includes a loss of
service to the child as well
as an increase in distress for
the child.
In the eyes of the assessor/custody
evaluator, such letters of support
may say less about the quality
of that parent’s relationship
with the child and more about
his or her own boundaries and
ability to contain the dispute
and keep it from reaching or
affecting the child. Hence, a
parent who resists dragging in
the professional service providers
may actually reflect more positively
in the eyes of the assessor than
a parent who brings a sheaf of
letters.
In the event a parent determines
that contact with a professional
service provider is necessary
to a determination of the case,
then let the assessor make contact.
Assessors, with written consent,
can request information from
service providers in neutral
fashion so that the information
is not tainted by the intrusion
of the parents. Service and parental
relationships can remain intact,
the child is spared distress
and the case can proceed accordingly.
If parents are using a collaborative
family law approach to settling
custody and access disputes,
then they or their lawyers or
child expert/consultant may send
a joint request for information,
thus bringing balance to the
request. In such cases, they
would be wise to clearly state
that they are involved in a collaborative
strategy to facilitate their
resolution, and advise the service
providers that their involvement
will not extend beyond their
letter of information.
Service intact, kids spared.
Gary
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario,
Canada, consider him an expert
on child development, parent-child
relations, marital and family
therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work
and an expert for the purpose
of giving a critique on a Section
112 (social work) report. You
can contact Gary at (905) 628-4847, gary@yoursocialworker.com or www.yoursocialworker.com
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