How Do You Rate Your Separation?
by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
When parents separate, they
worry about the effect of their
separation on the kids. Not only
is there data to suggest that
adults whose parents separated
when they were children are at
greater risk of divorce themselves,
but also data that suggests the
greater the parental conflict
during separation, the greater
the likelihood of negative outcomes
for the children. The challenge
for parents is determining their
level of conflict and supporting
their kids accordingly.
Parental conflict during separation
can be categorized as low, medium
and high.
With low levels of conflict,
parents are generally able to
manage the separation process
between themselves. These are
parents who likely sit across
from each other at the kitchen
table and reasonably and rationally
divide their assets and develop
a plan between themselves for
the ongoing care of the children.
It doesn’t quite matter
what agreement they reach, the
defining variable of low-level
conflict is settling matters
without outside support.
Parents with medium levels of
conflict find their behaviour
degenerating when attempting
to settle matters between themselves.
Hence they require outside resources.
The outside resources may include
lawyers or a mediator and sometimes
other friends, family or clergy.
The defining variable of medium-level
conflict is that parents are
unable to settle without support,
but given the support, they do
settle.
Parents with high levels of
conflict are unable to settle
matters between themselves whether
unassisted or assisted. Hence
the defining variable of high-level
conflict is when parents turn
to the Courts to determine their
settlement. Even if parents settle
as a result of a settlement conference
at Court, that they are before
the Courts defines their conflict
as high.
Some parents believe they shelter
or protect their kids from the
separation conflict. The truth
of the matter is, the greater
the conflict, the greater the
stress upon the parents. The
greater the stress, the more
likely their stress will be picked
up and experienced by the children.
Hence it is a misnomer that parents
can shelter their kids from such
conflict. So the issue is less
if they are sheltering the kids,
but rather how they are helping
the children cope through a conflicted
separation process.
While some parents believe it
is best to say nothing to their
children, in fact, it is often
better to acknowledge the stressors
and difficulties. This can be
done without bad-mouthing either
parent, but simply acknowledging
they have yet to come to an agreement.
Kids can be helped to understand
that even though the parents
are in distress, they both still
love the children and are working
to resolve matters as best they
can. The children can be told
that when the parents are unable
to resolve matters between themselves,
they turn to outside help. The
parents can tell their children
they are turning to wise persons
to help them decide what may
be best.
Children will have had
similar experiences with their
peers. They have had times when
they have been upset and when
teachers have come to their aid
to help settle matters. This
is a positive example. Similarly
then and by the parental role
model, children can be encouraged
to discuss their feelings and
when necessary, turn to outside
support such as may be offered
by a group for children whose
parents are separating. At the
very least and in view of the
parental role model, children
may be more apt to talk with
a teacher or counsellor if distressed.
As the kids then better manage
their feelings, they can better
concentrate on school work and
other childhood tasks.
Parents are advised to do all
they can to keep their conflict
to a minimum and find ways to
resolve matters as amicably as
possible between themselves.
When negotiating, whether through
lawyers or mediators, be careful
not to hold on too tightly to
a specific position. Flexibility
may hold the key to a settlement
and a smoother transition for
their children.
Gary
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW is a social
worker. Courts in Ontario,
Canada, consider him an expert
on child development, parent-child
relations, marital and family
therapy, custody and access
recommendations, social work
and an expert for the purpose
of giving a critique on a Section
112 (social work) report. You
can contact Gary at (905) 628-4847, gary@yoursocialworker.com or www.yoursocialworker.com
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