WHO STARTED IT DOESN’T NECESSARILY MATTER!
by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Remember in the Wizard of
Oz, when Dorothy began her
stroll down the Yellow Brick
Road? Eventually she came upon
a fork in the road. There she
stood, unable to determine
which way to go until the voice
of the Scarecrow came from
behind. With arms folded one
over the other and fingers
pointing out in opposite directions,
he said, “some folks
go that way (pointing in one
direction), and others go that
way (pointing in the other
direction).”
Sitting between parents in
a high conflict situation with
regard to child custody and
access issues is like watching
the scarecrow. However, with
separated parents they are
both pointing at each other,
each blaming the other for
initiating and maintaining
their conflict. In many instances,
both have contributed to their
mutual conflict and hence both
feel justified at incriminating
the other. Regardless of who
started it, in many instances
it is clear, they both maintain
it. As a concept this is known
as circular causality.
The issue of determining who
started the conflict takes
on significant meaning for
separated parents. They hold
a belief that by determining
who started it and affixing
blame, the alternate parent
will not only be vindicated,
but that their position with
respect to a solution of the
actual custody/access dilemma
will take precedence. To this
end, parents in high conflict
entrench themselves in their
position, behaviours that actually
contribute to the very conflict
from which they seek relief.
The mediator, assessor or
parenting coordinator appointed
to relieve the conflict, normalize
relations and facilitate the
children’s development
between separated parents obtains
a history of the situation.
The purpose is not to determine
and ascribe blame, but to understand
the dynamics and behavioural
specifics of the conflict that
continue to keep it alive.
The goal of intervention, be
it mediation, assessment, court
order or parenting coordinator
is to interrupt the sequences
of behaviours leading to circular
causality, in favour of creating
new behavioural sequences that
promote healthy relationships
and the child’s reasonable
psycho-social development.
This is a challenge. Parents
in high conflict are reluctant
to let go their position, present
with a strong need to be vindicated
and often do lose sight of
the long-term needs of their
children. In many cases, this
situation is exacerbated by
lawyers who are more apt to
fight their client’s
cause versus facilitate agreement
even in the face of differences
of opinion.
Children who fair better with
regard to psycho-social well-being,
have at least one parent who
is able to forgo a determination
of “who was right and
who was wrong”, in favour
of developing agreements to
act reasonably and structure
custody and access arrangements
that facilitate all pertinent
relationships.
Where parents are seemingly
unable or unwilling to cease
their role in the battle, they
are advised to attend with
a Parenting
Coordinator, a parenting
expert empowered to act as
arbitrator. One thing is certain,
separated parents continuing
to behave in their usual manner
will likely continue to live
in conflict and hence rear
children who in turn will experience
distress, However, if parents
agree to heed the direction
of the Parenting Coordinator
and let go the need to determine
who was right and who was wrong,
have the opportunity to escape
the trap of circular causality
and move forward to healthy
and constructive living.
Given the history of conflict,
the parentis will likely begin
with no faith or hope. However,
faith and hope are not prerequisites
for success; only commitment
to following through as directed.
Faith and hope can develop
over time, the result of behavioural
action.
Gary
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW is a
social worker. Courts in
Ontario, Canada, consider
him an expert on child development,
parent-child relations, marital
and family therapy, custody
and access recommendations,
social work and an expert
for the purpose of giving
a critique on a Section 112
(social work) report. You
can contact Gary at (905)
628-4847, gary@yoursocialworker.com or www.yoursocialworker.com
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