Your son or daughter isn’t doing to well at school. You get a call from the teacher complaining of behaviour. If it’s a boy, the complaint is about fidgetiness, lack of concentration, impulsive behaviour, poor judgment and some talking back. If it’s a girl, she is described as distracted. Her mind seems to wander. Work isn’t completed and she seems withdrawn. In both cases grades are slipping. The teacher advises that the child exhibits the classic symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity if a boy and Attention Deficit Disorder, Inattentive Type if a girl. Psychoeducational testing may be suggested as might a prescription for Ritalin or Concerta. If the parent obtains the psycho-educational assessment, little will be asked about family life and if asked, usually only one parent is interviewed. Hence information pertaining to family life may be minimized, or alternately any issue raised will be ascribed to the behaviour of the other parent. The testing will continue and a diagnosis of ADD confirmed. With or without treatment, the child will appear resistant to change. In fact, symptoms may worsen. Prescriptions may be adjusted or changed. Behavioural interventions will be directed towards the child to gain compliance. The child may be withdrawn from the regular classroom. At best problems continue and at worst they intensify. Some children subject to high-conflict parental divorce feel trapped between their parents or alternately feel like they must take sides. Either way, the parental conflict has spilled into their lives and as the child shoulders a burden to great to carry, it affects their ability to manage the demands of school. In much the same was an adult with too much on their mind has trouble concentrating, so too of children. However, with children, there is often the myth that they are unaffected by the parental dispute or even if affected, can carry on at school. Hence the impact of the parental separation and conflict on the child goes undetected, unquestioned or unchallenged. It is glossed over as a contributory issue to the problems of the child’s academic performance. In the context of a high-conflict separation or divorce, ADD may just as well be taken as Attention Divided by Divorce as Attention Deficit Disorder. In either case the child’s behaviour looks the same. However, rather than an underlying neurological condition altering attention, the root of the problem is the parental conflict. No wonder in situations such as these, pharmacological and behavioural interventions directed solely at the child produce few results.
To address the root of the problem, the parental conflict must be addressed. In situations such as these, it is imperative that both parents are apprised of the child’s behaviour at school so that both parents can be interviewed with a view to determining if issues emanating from family life are contributory to their child’s school related performance. Conflict that drags on causes ceaseless distress from which the child might never recover. Left unchecked, as the child remains in distress, school performance is undermined and the child runs the risk of losing pace with the other students. From there, there can be a cascade of secondary problems related to self-esteem, behaviour and school failure that can become entrenched and intractable.
Hopefully recognizing when parental conflict is underlying a child’s distress, both parents may be informed and hopefully better motivated to resolve the conflict. While parents may be apt to blame each other, it can be pointed out that regardless of who started the conflict, it is now the ongoing nature of the conflict that is bringing emotional and then academic harm to the child. Given most parents profess to be working in the best interest of their child, maybe they can be coaxed or coached to resolve or at least manage their conflict in a way that minimizes distress to the child. If successful, attention will then likely improve.
December 20th, 2007
Let’s face it; we are all born human first and take on our professions second. As lawyers you are subject to the same human frailties as anyone else, from any walk of life. However, as people who have spent a considerable number of years gaining your education and honing your craft, often problem solving for others, lawyers can be a particularly difficult breed to help when the personal problems are their own.
The first hurdle for the lawyer to overcome is ego. In this case it is the belief that you can solve everything or alternately, that you wouldn’t dare have a personal problem as that would simply be too embarrassing to admit to oneself or others.
Assuming you do admit you cannot solve your own personal problem and are willing to seek help from outside resources, the next hurdle is finding an appropriate resource. Key to the search, two factors rise to the top: confidentiality and competency.
With regard to confidentially, some lawyers look for resources outside of their usual community. Some will travel several communities away to ensure not bumping into someone known or come up against a conflict of interest by using someone for a personal issue who also consults on professional matters. Further, the service setting may also be a consideration in the quest for confidentiality. Hence some lawyers will look for secluded offices with separate or single use waiting rooms and other lawyers will look for practitioners with home offices where confidentiality can often be better protected.
As for competency, most lawyers look for grey hair. In other words the service provider is a respected elder with years of practice wisdom. Not just practice wisdom and grey hair though, lawyers need to know that the service provider can withstand and manage the cross-examination that inevitably takes place when a lawyer is confronted with observations they may otherwise not prefer.
The service provider must be able to deliver and defend information in the counselling process and respect that the cross-examination isn’t personal, just the most ingrained strategy for lawyers to test the input derived from their years of practice.
Be it individual, marital or family counselling, when stuck, professional counselling and guidance from people trained and well experienced can help overcome personal problems. Sadly far too many lawyers resist help for themselves, their marriages or families because of embarrassment or fear that they may lose credibility.
The real message here is, get help, don’t suffer, and look to improve your situation.
Strategies to overcome perceived barriers include finding a respected service provider, often in a nearby community. To find one and maintain your privacy, you can pretend to be looking for a service provider from a particular community on behalf of a client. Ask around and see what names continue to float to the surface when you ask, “Who’s the best?” Do so in a few neighbouring communities.
Finally, make some calls and test the service provider by phone. Describe the problem, the social context and need for confidentiality. See who responds best and make an appointment.
The life you improve will be your own. After all, even lawyers get the blues and have personal, marital and family problems. You don’t need to have these problems forever though. Help is often just a phone call away.Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. You can contact Gary at (905) 628-4847, gary@yoursocialworker.com or http://www.yoursocialworker.com/
December 20th, 2007